This Mother’s Day, amidst the flowers and breakfast-in-bed tributes, we would do well to reflect not only on the women who mother but on the deeply feminine qualities that make motherhood—and womanhood—so vital to our collective wellbeing.
Your work, Dr. Erica, has given my instincts a voice. And every time that voice starts fading, you miraculously come my way. I appreciate what you do, even the things I disagree with. I admire and respect your devotion. Happy Mothers' Day
Dr. Erica, I appreciate your work. But I strongly disagree with the idea of "flexible work policies, paid parental leave, and a cultural shift that stops asking women to justify the choice to be present for their children" assuming that what you mean by that shift is businesses being tolerant when woman have to leave work.
I think all these policies are actually pro-work rather than pro-family, and work against women who choose to make motherhood their career.
Thank you for your comment and for engaging with my work thoughtfully.
However, I would respectfully argue that these policies are not pro-work at the expense of being pro-family—instead, they give women real choice and dignity in whatever path they take. The work structure has been rigid for too long, often forcing mothers to choose between financial stability and being present for their children. Flexible policies empower families by allowing parents, particularly mothers, to integrate caregiving and work when needed, without punishment or shame.
Crucially, this cultural shift is also about validating all caregiving choices, including the decision to make motherhood a full-time role. It’s not about tolerance for women “leaving work”; it’s about honoring children's deep emotional and developmental needs while supporting mothers' psychological well-being and agency.
In a perfect world, all mothers would have the familial support to make these policies unnecessary. However, that is not the case for all mothers.
I appreciate your responding. I wrote quickly and didn't have time to articulate my views. It's a big topic but here is one example of the dilemma I have. When the government mandates something, like family leave, they are putting their thumb on the scale. When the culture demands something like insurance paying for IVF, it is doing the same. Nothing comes without a cost - there is always a trade-off.
One woman chooses to marry and have her first child when she is in her early twenties. More children quickly follow. The couple supports them, pays the medical bills etc., themselves. That was a choice they make vs. being a dual income home and using those years to build a career. No woman who was pursuing a career while her peer is having children helps with orthodonture, or medical bills or household help. She doesn't share her fancy clothing or vacations.
Yet, now this second woman is in her late thirties/early forties and wants the first woman to pay taxes and higher prices for goods so that she can have IVF -that she probably wouldn't have needed in earlier years . This first family should have higher costs so she can have day care at her work, etc.
We have built a system, partially because of high taxes and regulation, that we say demands two incomes today. Yet, we want a single mother to be applauded and get the same benefits as a married mother. We have turned many "wants" into "needs."
I know there are women (and couples) struggling to make ends meet. Yet we have created a society that forces the cost of living to be so high that they don't have the choice for a mother to stay home. I think that rather than support the higher costs we have to go back and work on a society that says - and backs up with policy - the idea that together a married couple should be able to live a middle class life while the mother does the time-consuming and demanding, and important, work of making a home and raising a family.
This is largely rambling - when I write my own blog I formulate my ideas better, but I did appreciate your response and I appreciate your work, so I did want to reply.
The feminism that you articulate is indifferent to the issues faced by men and boys, when it is not overtly hostile to men and boys. As a psychoanalyst, are you aware of the fact that men and boys account for 80% of US suicides? Do you have concern for that fact?
This article was in celebration of Mother's Day. I have spoken extensively (especially on episodes of Dad Saves America) about the issues boys face in society.
Your work, Dr. Erica, has given my instincts a voice. And every time that voice starts fading, you miraculously come my way. I appreciate what you do, even the things I disagree with. I admire and respect your devotion. Happy Mothers' Day
Dr. Erica, I appreciate your work. But I strongly disagree with the idea of "flexible work policies, paid parental leave, and a cultural shift that stops asking women to justify the choice to be present for their children" assuming that what you mean by that shift is businesses being tolerant when woman have to leave work.
I think all these policies are actually pro-work rather than pro-family, and work against women who choose to make motherhood their career.
Hi Susan, thanks for this note.
Thank you for your comment and for engaging with my work thoughtfully.
However, I would respectfully argue that these policies are not pro-work at the expense of being pro-family—instead, they give women real choice and dignity in whatever path they take. The work structure has been rigid for too long, often forcing mothers to choose between financial stability and being present for their children. Flexible policies empower families by allowing parents, particularly mothers, to integrate caregiving and work when needed, without punishment or shame.
Crucially, this cultural shift is also about validating all caregiving choices, including the decision to make motherhood a full-time role. It’s not about tolerance for women “leaving work”; it’s about honoring children's deep emotional and developmental needs while supporting mothers' psychological well-being and agency.
In a perfect world, all mothers would have the familial support to make these policies unnecessary. However, that is not the case for all mothers.
I appreciate your responding. I wrote quickly and didn't have time to articulate my views. It's a big topic but here is one example of the dilemma I have. When the government mandates something, like family leave, they are putting their thumb on the scale. When the culture demands something like insurance paying for IVF, it is doing the same. Nothing comes without a cost - there is always a trade-off.
One woman chooses to marry and have her first child when she is in her early twenties. More children quickly follow. The couple supports them, pays the medical bills etc., themselves. That was a choice they make vs. being a dual income home and using those years to build a career. No woman who was pursuing a career while her peer is having children helps with orthodonture, or medical bills or household help. She doesn't share her fancy clothing or vacations.
Yet, now this second woman is in her late thirties/early forties and wants the first woman to pay taxes and higher prices for goods so that she can have IVF -that she probably wouldn't have needed in earlier years . This first family should have higher costs so she can have day care at her work, etc.
We have built a system, partially because of high taxes and regulation, that we say demands two incomes today. Yet, we want a single mother to be applauded and get the same benefits as a married mother. We have turned many "wants" into "needs."
I know there are women (and couples) struggling to make ends meet. Yet we have created a society that forces the cost of living to be so high that they don't have the choice for a mother to stay home. I think that rather than support the higher costs we have to go back and work on a society that says - and backs up with policy - the idea that together a married couple should be able to live a middle class life while the mother does the time-consuming and demanding, and important, work of making a home and raising a family.
This is largely rambling - when I write my own blog I formulate my ideas better, but I did appreciate your response and I appreciate your work, so I did want to reply.
The feminism that you articulate is indifferent to the issues faced by men and boys, when it is not overtly hostile to men and boys. As a psychoanalyst, are you aware of the fact that men and boys account for 80% of US suicides? Do you have concern for that fact?
This article was in celebration of Mother's Day. I have spoken extensively (especially on episodes of Dad Saves America) about the issues boys face in society.
Thank you.
Yes! It is time for reclamation! Here’s to those opting out of modern feminism and embracing our innate feminine traits 👏🏼
Thank you, Erica Komisar for this tribute to Motherhood! Happy Mothers Day to you.