When a child says they are transgender, parents can feel as though the ground has shifted beneath them. They may be afraid to ask questions, worried that expressing concern will damage the relationship or drive their child further away. But silence and immediate affirmation are not the only options. Parents can listen, remain compassionate, and keep the lines of communication open without abandoning their questions or their understanding of reality. This article is adapted from my book, A Practical Response to Gender Distress: Tips and Tools for Families, and is based on my experience as a licensed therapist.
Below you will find recommended questions which can spur your own ideas, but please use your judgment as every child and family is different. No one can have a “script” of the perfect thing to say or ask. Don’t expect to be able to ask these questions in one sitting, but in small doses over time. Remember to come from a place of compassion with an open and curious tone. Your child is hurting, and this is how she/he is expressing it. Keep in mind that when a young person takes on a new gender identity, it is rarely about gender but rather other underlying issues. My goal is to help parents look beyond the label, explore what their child may be experiencing, and stay connected through a difficult and confusing time.
What does “trans” mean to you?
Being “trans” currently has so many meanings and seems to be open-ended on purpose. It also continues to change. What does your child understand “trans” to mean? This may help you know your child better and help your child recognize that their ideas are incoherent. It is likely your child will not be able to articulate it or say something general like, “I just am.” You are prompting them to think about it more because you really want to understand. The goal would be to better understand your child, while simultaneously helping them realize they aren’t thinking rationally. (Be patient, this is not likely to happen quickly.)
What makes you believe that you are a different gender?
Listen to the answer and ask open-ended follow-up questions without being confrontational. Keep in mind that they may be parroting what they saw online or heard from their friends, so draw from what you know of your child and their history and try to ask specific individual questions. Validate some of the real feelings they express such as not feeling comfortable as a girl or boy, not fitting into stereotypes, hating their body, fear of sex, fear of puberty, or not getting along well with other girls or boys. You can share a story from your adolescence that is relatable. Be open and listen, and help your child not catastrophize the changes around puberty. It’s also possible that this question will shut down the conversation because your child isn’t ready to face the inconsistent ideas this question brings up.
When did you start having these feelings?
Ask them if they can relate their feelings to any specific incidents. It is likely that influence from friends, school, and social media played a part, but see if you can get your child to personalize their reasons. Sometimes learning when the feelings started can help connect “dysphoric” feelings to another distressing event such as a divorce, a sexual assault, a move, a painful loss, or exposure to graphic porn.
What does it mean to be a boy or a girl?
Talk to them about what they may perceive as social pressure and gender roles. Explore the fears they may have of growing up. They may be afraid of sex, or sexual assault after being exposed too early to sexualized images, such as internet pornography. Boys may be afraid of the idea that they aren’t manly enough or good with girls, so becoming a man may come with a lot of pressure. Girls may be afraid of what it means to become a woman. Help them understand that there are different ways to be boys and girls and they can have varying interests. Explore what is most uncomfortable about living in the body they are in and what pressures they may be feeling.
How do you imagine your life living as a new gender?
Teens don’t tend to be great at future-thinking. That’s why your fully developed, adult guidance is needed. This question can help give insight into your child’s fantasy of being trans. It can also shed light on what she/he might feel is missing in their life. When you feel they are ready, you can try to help your child find ways to achieve their goals as the boy or girl they were born as.
Explore possible underlying mental health issues.
Much of “gender dysphoria” is related to a person’s relationship with their body. If that relationship is compromised, it is difficult to know the root causes for distressed feelings without exploration. Provide reflection for those issues and focus less on gender distress. Gender often becomes a way to be seen. If you relate to what is happening with your child, she/he may not need to cling to her gender identity as hard. Think of a new gender identity as a signal that there is another underlying issue or unmet need. Many parents have said they have recognized that when their child came out as trans, it became an opportunity to learn more about their child and strengthen their family.
Or… you can be direct.
Some mothers like Laura Wiley Haynes, who has shared her strategies on X (Twitter), have had success with a more direct approach with questions like, “Did you know that you can never actually become a man? You can look more like a man, but that’s the limit.” Depending on your communication style or relationship, you can state the truth about what happens when taking hormones and from other medical interventions. For example, “Did you know that T [testosterone] can make it painful to talk?” “It causes many health issues like joint pain, cancer, blood clots, and difficulty having sex, why not just be a healthy masculine girl?” “Who gives a sh*t what sex a stranger thinks you are?” “You will always know the truth and strangers don’t matter more than your fertility and health.”
A few things to remember:
Do not let empty threats of suicide manipulate you. This is something young people are being coached to do by online influencers, trans activists, or even trusted adults such as teachers and therapists. If you feel a child is truly in danger of hurting themselves, call 911 or take them to the hospital, but stay actively involved in the process. If you already have a therapist you trust, and you determine the child is not an imminent danger to themselves but at moderate risk, call the therapist.
Always tell your child how much you love them, even if they are confrontational. Your child may currently feel they have a new family now and don’t need you, but they will eventually learn that their online friends are not real, and they need to know they can turn to you later when they feel lost, alone, and confused. Gently remind your child that you are their true family. If possible, surround your child with extended family who love them as they are. The ‘chosen family’ that they are engaging with is conditional on their trans identity and can never be there for them the same way you can. They will remember you love them when they begin to recognize that superficial “glitter” love isn’t real.
Remember that you are not a “bigot” or “transphobe” if you have questions and concerns about your child. Believe in yourself as a parent. If you were a competent parent before gender came up, you have the intuition you need. Being grounded as a parent will help your child. Many other adults in positions of authority, such as school personnel, therapists, or doctors, may undermine your judgment. However, remember that these people do not love your child and could never love your child the way you do. Simply questioning your developing child’s view of themselves does not make you a bad parent or crazy. Setting limits with teenagers isn’t new. This is just a different spin on an age-old parent-child phase.
Your child may not want to talk at all. Many of these questions can easily backfire depending on how deep your child is into gender ideology. Your goal is to reverse the isolation and disconnected relationship your child developed with their body. You also want to help your child feel less isolated so they do not need the superficial sense of belonging that the trans “community” offers.
You do not have to choose between loving your child and questioning the idea that they are transgender. Your child needs a parent who can listen without panic, ask difficult questions without hostility, and remain grounded when emotions run high. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the relationship may become strained or even disappear for a time. You may not be able to change your child’s mind or prevent them from pulling away, but you can make sure they know you are still there. If doubts eventually emerge, your child needs to know there is a safe place to turn. Keep the door open, stay grounded, and remember that sometimes the most important thing you can do is simply be there when your child is ready.
