Will They Know a "Father" or a "Dad"?

From guest writer Ken Lacy

There Is No Instruction Manual For This

I think it is fair to say that in our best efforts to “get it right” as parents, there is no guide to perfectly raise a balanced, virtuous, and capable child. Don’t despair! Even with no one having the instruction manual and mistakes being a guarantee along the way, there is one area in which we as men have a degree of control.

As our kids grow through the various stages of life and become “young adults”, we can reveal ourselves to them either as a “Father”, or we can show them the “Dad”. Your choices over many years will add up to taking one path or the other. They will serve as the model for your kids when they eventually form families of their own. 

Distinctions Worth Making

Let’s think this through. Are you “the disciplinarian”? This looks like the teacher in front of the attentive classroom for a few hours each day, delivering instruction and scribbling on the whiteboard without ever building relationships with the students. 

This is the “Father”. Of course, the students are the kids. 

What about “Dad”? He’s got tough love to give and teaches the principles of a moral and ethical foundation by the way he lives. This model involves both relationship and respect. If the “Father” is like the prep school teacher behind the lectern, the “Dad” is more akin to the basketball coach. He’s on one knee with the kids in a huddle—he’s in it. 

We’re going to go a layer deeper now. Take this as an opportunity to assess yourself.  

The Little Things That Stick

“Father”-focused is primarily based around the technical trades of being a parent. In other words, teaching, correcting, and ensuring the child knows right from wrong—all of which are important in parenting. 

The “Dad” approach is more about the relationship that lays the foundation for kids wanting to listen and learn from their parents.

Being the “Father” isn’t a bad thing, not at all. It’s just that the “Dad” is a “Father+".  There’s more there for the child to connect with and utilize. There’s more bandwidth. There’s more of everything. 

What’s scary about this whole thing is that there are no redos. The little choices you make along the way will add up to leave a lasting impression. Think about bedtime, or “Lights out.” If you’re there at bedtime and flipping off the light switch after saying “Goodnight, I love you,” you’re doing your duty. But what about doing a little more than the bare minimum? 

The “Father” may say goodnight and flip the lights off, and it’s done. Time to read or watch TV reruns. It takes the “Dad” to sit down on the bedside, make eye contact, and talk about the day or the child’s fantastical dreams for the future. 

Kids love to talk when it’s supposed to be bedtime. 

Your kids will cherish those special times together, those little moments when you didn’t close the door just because it’s past 9 PM. It is the smallest things that leave imprints closest to their hearts.

Kids (mostly) understand that the man of the family has responsibilities, whether that is with his wife, the house, the cars, the job, or mowing the grass. Men with competing responsibilities are wise to rank the urgency of each task in a planner or calendar, so as not to get overwhelmed. 

Meet Them Where They’re At

Here are a couple of simple examples to ponder. Is your son more likely to remember when dad went outside to pass the football, or when dad was mowing the lawn? Or is your daughter more likely to remember when dad played a game with her or when he sat down to watch his television show? 

Another idea is taking your child somewhere just to have that “Dad” time, whether it’s McDonald’s, a movie, or ice cream in the middle of the afternoon. With your teenager, it can be as simple as going out for a Starbucks coffee or a Panera pastry. 

Show interest in your child’s interests, regardless of age. If it is something that you know little to nothing about, spend time researching it together. Allow yourself to learn from your youngsters when they’re in those stages of life where something has them excited. They want to share it with you.

A “Father” is caught up in the business of life, whereas the “Dad” makes the necessary schedule adjustments to show both support and care when it comes to family.

Wherever you may find yourself in the journey of parenting, may this ignite a small spark that fuels a lifetime of learning, discovery, and love.

Go and be a Dad. If you’re not one, forward this article to someone who is or will be. But ultimately, it’s a lesson that applies to all of us. Be present, be curious, and mind the little things.