The Adams Family

Being a father is the hardest (and most important) job a man will have. For better or worse, his choices will have an incredible impact on his children. Today, we’ll look at fathers and sons through the lens of a tragic and instructive story involving one of America’s most astute Founding Fathers. 

Let’s be frank. It’s easier to teach what one already knows, which is why fathers take the lead in shaping their boys. They were boys once, and they know a thing or two about what it’s like. A father is responsible for building his son's foundation, and a solid foundation has the potential to secure that child’s future. 

Train up a child in the way he should go: And when he is old, he will not depart from it. - Proverbs 22:6 

Every father wants his son to make good decisions, and over a lifetime, they hopefully share stories of trial and error—the wins and losses of their lives. For fathers to do this effectively, they need firm relationships built on trust and open communication with their sons.

This is where things get difficult.

Sometimes, fathers don’t know how to communicate. 

Emotion: Yuck! 

Patience: Limited!

Calendar: Full! 

You might think the most successful people are the best fathers, but you’d be wrong. Success requires incredible sacrifice, and often that sacrifice is isolation from family. Few knew that better than the Adams family (not Morticia and Gomez). John Adams was a dedicated lawyer from Massachusetts who would later become the second president of the United States. His oldest son, John Quincy Adams (JQA), would be the sixth president of the United States. 

But Charles, John’s second son, would be disowned by his father and die a drunk in his thirties. 

John Adams was a testy fellow. He was a devoted family man with a deep respect for his wife, Abigail Adams. He was poetic and caring, but also insecure and petty. John was a disciplined public servant who was studious and patient. As a defender of rights, he believed in people’s ability to govern themselves, but he understood self-government requires sacrifice. John risked his life signing the Declaration of Independence and sacrificed his family time (and their safety) by serving the up-and-coming American republic.

His service took him across the Atlantic to France, the Netherlands, and Great Britain. In 1778, John Adams set sail with JQA. During the voyage, they were chased by British ships into a storm. The storm raged for days and left the ship needing repair. When the experience was over and they were safe, John would reflect on JQA’s behavior, saying, “The child’s behavior gave me a satisfaction that I cannot express.” 

While traveling, John would write to Abigail about his great esteem for JQA, saying he “gives me constant pleasure.” Meanwhile, Charles appears less in correspondence. While JQA was watching his father build a nation, Charles was left waiting for the post. And when the letters arrived, they lacked the fatherly affection a child his age typically requires. They read more like an instruction manual or a job questionnaire than a letter from a loving father. 

John made an impact on JQA. He kept him alive in treacherous conditions, building incredible trust between them. John ensured his education, guiding him on what to read and teaching him the lessons from his life. JQA was able to see the best and worst of his father. That combination of heroism and vulnerability allowed for a deeper bond to form.

Meanwhile, John was largely absent from Charles’s life. He believed Charles was too sensitive for Europe. Communication grew cold, and the lack of shared experiences made it difficult to build trust. In 1789, while attending Harvard, Charles and some of his classmates were caught drinking heavily and streaking across the yard. 

Boys will be boys, but John expected his sons to be men. 

While JQA was studious and disciplined, even keeping a journal from 1779 to 1848, Charles was playful and rebellious. He struggled to maintain his personal relationships and finances. 

When authority is present in a child’s life, like in the case of JQA, it can have positive effects on children, but when authority is absent, in the case of Charles, it can lead to a lazy and rebellious spirit. 

Given the circumstances, John did the best he could, but his sacrifice became Charles’s burden. While John was able to give JQA a foundation that led to good decision-making, the foundation Charles received was hollow, leading to bad decisions. Charles was stricken with resentment. In letters from a grown-up Charles to John, Charles writes almost as a child seeking his father’s approval. 

“I have duly received your letters up to the first of this month and am grateful for your kindness towards me your extracts from Heineccius and your remarks.”

While John was away, Charles was left with his mother and siblings. While Abigail was a thoughtful and intelligent woman, she could not replace his father. While she could ensure he completed his studies and got into a good school, she could not provide the guidance a young boy needs to become a man and make good decisions. 

It's impossible to formulate the perfect plan for fatherhood. Life and circumstances are out of our control. The best we can do is digest the lessons of yesterday and weave them into today. The lesson learned from the Adams family is that a father’s presence is most important in developing stable men. 

Should a father be separated from his son today, he can take advantage of technology to keep in touch. Phone calls and FaceTime make communication easier, allowing for a father's affection and love to show from anywhere on the globe. 

Kids don’t want to be forgotten. 

Charles likely felt ignored. He probably wondered why he wasn’t with his father the way John Quincy was so often. Without a strong male influence at home to model discipline and hard work over rebellion and play, Charles followed the wrong crowd and made numerous bad decisions. 

As fathers, we must be present in our children’s lives. The void has the potential to leave a son unprepared for the consequences of his choices and to search for connection beyond the home. Charles Adams must have found his connection on the barstool. 

Jeff Mayhugh is a Christian, the Founding Editor of Politics and Parenting, the President of East Coast Operations for No Cap Fund, the Editor-at-Large for Freemen News-Letter, and a Contributor to The Hill.