Parents Are Not the Problem

Why Therapists Need to Work With Families, Not Around Them

I was a supervisor at school-based counseling programs for ten years. It feels strange for me to say, but I would not allow my child to see a school counselor in 2026.

As a licensed therapist, my goal is to help inform and empower parents so they can get the best mental health care for their children. School counselors are notorious for shutting parents out because they aren’t physically present to manage their child’s care, but the problem isn’t limited to schools.

In fact, child therapists across the board are increasingly shutting parents out. In some instances, this is simply due to laziness. Talking to parents is a lot more work. However, there’s also a push to divide children from their families. Many therapists believe that children know themselves in every context and adults should “let them lead.” They often view families with traditional values as ignorant, and so they push their own worldview onto their young clients without consulting the family.

If what I just described doesn’t sit well with you, I suggest you stay diligently involved with your child’s counseling to ensure your values are reflected. Here are the ten most important reasons why.

The Long Haul

You are your child’s parent for life. Your child’s therapist and mental health team are only in their lives temporarily. An inexperienced therapist may forget this. She may feel she “understands” your child better and try to shut you out. This is no excuse. If a therapist reacts this way when you ask to be involved, remind her that it’s you and your family who your child needs to communicate with and live with.

Your Child’s History

It’s impossible for a therapist to do an effective assessment of your child without talking to the family. You must be involved for the therapist to understand what she is treating. A child will not know pertinent health information from when he or she was a baby. A child is not likely to know important history about extended family or previous generations. If a therapist doesn’t want medical and family history from you, she is not doing her job effectively.

Supporting the Family System

It has long been understood that treating the adults in the family has a direct impact on the children. However, in recent years, this idea has been less emphasized in training. Often parents hope a therapist will “fix” their child, but this is nearly impossible if a parent’s stressors are part of the problem. The family is best seen as an interconnected system. If a therapist is treating a child, she is treating the family too.

Parent-Child Communication

One of the most common reasons for childhood struggles is parent-child communication. This is especially true with adolescents. If communication is one of the main reasons for psychological issues, it must be addressed with family therapy and/or collaboration with the parent. Without collaboration, progress is unlikely.

Getting the Full Story

I’m not sure if it’s ever feasible to take a child’s report at face value. A child may hide information or de-emphasize it. The best therapeutic work requires collaboration with as many important adults in that child’s life as possible to get all sides of the story. An unskilled therapist may align with the child without getting all of the facts and thereby reinforce problems.

Future Emergencies

The worst time for a therapist to first meet a parent is during a crisis. It’s best to establish rapport ahead of time so you can work together to get through the crisis as smoothly as possible. Without that prior relationship and trust, handling a crisis is much more difficult.

Understanding Your Values

One way to get to know a client is to get to know their family’s culture and values. A therapist who skips this step is more likely to impose her own values onto your family. By working with you, the parents, the therapist will learn about your values and work with your family accordingly.

Connecting Families

Unfortunately, too many therapists are dividing families rather than helping them build stronger bonds. This may be intentional or unintentional, but either way, it’s not quality therapy. This is a general problem in the field, but it’s become especially common around gender issues. Ideological therapists will reinforce the idea that a parent is a “bigot” if they do not agree with affirming a new gender identity. This is unacceptable.

Your Insights Matter

Your child’s therapist may see your child for an hour a week. You see your child every day. You must stay involved so you can report on progress and setbacks as they happen. When a therapist talks with you regularly, she is also getting to know you, including your strengths and weaknesses, and this insight helps her understand what needs to be treated.

Accountability

Parents can help reinforce therapeutic goals, maintain appropriate boundaries, and support consistent expectations outside the therapy office. Parents are part of the solution, not the problem, and the therapist should be working together with them to support the child.

If your child’s therapist didn’t involve you with the assessment and continues to shut you out in treatment, this therapist is not doing his/her job appropriately.

In summary, parents should be active participants in their minor child’s mental health treatment, not sidelined from the process. A therapist needs the family’s history, perspective, values, and ongoing observations to understand the child’s struggles and provide effective care. You don’t need to be in the room for every session, but weekly or bi-weekly check-ins are appropriate and necessary. Your minor child does not have the right to “confidentiality.” It’s true that a degree of privacy is age-appropriate for adolescents, but you should still understand the goals in therapy, receive updates on progress, and be consulted about your observations and concerns.

Therapy should not divide families or impose a clinician’s personal worldview. It should help children and families understand their challenges and work toward healthier outcomes together. Regular communication and meaningful parental involvement are essential parts of responsible care.