Fathers Are Indispensable—A Therapist Is No Substitute
Who is likely a better person to help a 21-year-old man struggling with shame, fears of manhood, and sexuality—a middle aged female therapist like me, or his own father?
Most therapists are not equipped to serve boys and young men’s emotional needs. This is because therapists are predominantly female and are trained by females with female-oriented theories. Most women do not understand what is helpful for men’s emotional life, especially when it comes to sex and sexuality. Families should try to address struggles before immediately going to a therapist, especially when the problem is focused on boys.
I am a therapist who now provides consultations for families who are coping with gender identity issues. I recently had a meeting with a mom and a dad of a 21-year-old man who just announced his transgender identity to them. He left them a note that said he is now a woman and will be starting his social and medical transition. They were left perplexed and afraid for their son’s future because they knew he can never be a woman—and because becoming transgender is a physically and mentally unhealthy decision.
Through some simple questioning, I learned that their son still lives with the parents and works at a local grocery store. He has been going to community college, is graduating soon, and seems to have fears of his next steps in life. He also spends a lot of time playing video games, isolated from real human contact, and is very engaged with anime. In addition, the mom caught her son trying on her shoes and she suspects that his trans identity has a fetish nature. Both the parents and I also suspected that their son spends a lot of time consuming pornography. It’s possible he was exposed to porn very young, and that he may be addicted to it.
The parents’ first impulse was to ask me about the type of therapy they could get for their son to address his potential porn addiction and struggles with his sexuality. Instead, I recommended that the father take the reins and initiate a conversation about pornography and sexuality. Who is likely the better person to help a 21-year-old man struggling with shame, fears of manhood, and sexuality—a middle aged female therapist like me, or his own father? In this case, the father seemed attuned to his son and willing to talk about the difficult subject matter. I think it’s best for the father to have that conversation. At the very least, a parent should try first before outsourcing their relationship to a paid stranger.
This couple was overwhelmed and lost about the next steps for their son. They did the right thing by talking to me, someone with lots of knowledge on the subject, to give them the tools to confront this challenge. However, what differentiates me from other therapists is that I believe most parents can help their children themselves. After all, they are family and they know their son better than I ever could.
In my session with this family, I recommended a documentary called “The Lost Boys: Searching for Manhood”—available for free on YouTube. This film addresses the unique struggles of men and boys living in a culture that labels them with “toxic masculinity,” and explores what’s leading them down the path to want to be women, instead of the men that they really are. The men featured discuss feeling shame around their sexuality and being more sensitive. The film touches on the role of pornography, and how the internet negatively influenced these men—some of them were even groomed by online predators. Boys and men often use a transgender identity to escape growing up, evade dating, and avoid finding a career path or living independently. The film’s themes heavily echo my consultation with those overwhelmed parents, trying to guide their son towards a healthy, fulfilling life.
This family is fortunate. It has a mom and dad together and on the same page. More specifically, this young man has a present, engaged father who’s willing to openly talk about the problems at hand. He understands the nature of the issue and won’t shy away from uncomfortable topics such as porn addiction. For this reason, I believe their son has a good prognosis.
In summary: fathers are indispensable. A therapist is no substitute for a good dad. The more fathers step up and help their sons navigate the uniquely modern struggles of becoming men in 2025, the more our boys and men will thrive.
 | A guest post by
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Well said. I’m a 6’4” masculine male therapist. And I see young men often. And I help them with certain aspects of their lives. But all too often, I work on healing the wounds their absent fathers inflicted.
I won't soon forget the torturous therapist scenes in the misguided TV series Adolescence.
This wound up in my inbox after a long conversation with an old friend who is 62 with a 14-year-old son who is behaving in such resistant, enraged ways that my friend tearfully confided that he worries that he's starting to hate him.
The son sits in the restroom on his phone when he's supposed to be in class. He insults his father in ways that his father couldn't even begin to imagine speaking to his own father back in the 70s.
A few months ago, he told me that he was thinking of taking the son to therapy, and I pushed back given the reasons expressed in this essay. However, when we spoke yesterday, he said he'd long run out of patience and they got the therapist -- a middle aged woman.
I'm wondering what the alternatives are. And while my friend describes the therapist as benign, I'm skeptical of outsourcing communicating with and managing a teenage son. I have wondered whether my friend's advanced age -- and having spent the past year in a hospital has affected his son. His father has shown weakness. This must be terribly confusing (and as a teenage girl with a father dying of cancer, I recall this enraged feeling).
So what is the alternative? My friend describes having to pull his son out of bed in the morning, and practically having to dress him to get him to the train to go to school. I don't have kids -- I just have my memories of being one.
This is an intriguing topic since it seems a gut response, especially these days with two working parents to run to someone outside of the home for help.