Fatherhood Is About Playing the Long Game
From guest writer Tyler Curtis
Fathers and mothers have complementary roles. This isn’t breaking news. While every family is unique and exceptions to rules exist, most mothers are gentle and encouraging, and most fathers are a bit more austere. When it comes to discipline, mothers are more likely to empathize with their children, whereas a father just expects results. There is a reason why, whenever I got in trouble as a kid, I cowered in fear when my mom said, “Wait until your dad gets home.”
You’ve probably heard that one before in your own life or on TV.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
- Ephesians 6:4
But immediate and strict discipline–where a child who breaks a rule is met with a swift and stern rebuke–is only one way in which a father can direct his children. It’s not even the most effective over the long term.
There’s a better way, and it’s quite simple. Ready for it?
The best way to get a child to behave the way you’d like is to lead by example. Deeds, not words, will shape the future of children.
Think about everything children learn to do in the first 18 months of their lives, just by observing. They learn how to use utensils, throw things, wipe their noses, and play games before they can speak. As they develop, language itself is learned in part through hearing it spoken.
Kids learn what behaviors are and aren’t the norm by observing their parents’ examples. Does the parent talk down to fast food workers at the drive-thru, throw tantrums at Starbucks over misspelled names on the cup, or talk incessantly about money? Chances are their child will mirror their parents’ behaviors, for better or for worse. The behavior they witness is their version of “normal” until they are exposed to something else.
Unsurprisingly, studies show that when parents divorce, their children are 69% more likely to get divorced themselves someday. If both the husband and wife come from broken homes, this rate increases to 189%.
It’s not that divorce follows those kids like some kind of ghost. It’s that they’re influenced by the conflict resolution their parents modeled. If the model was to “pull the parachute” and escape the situation, the idea of sticking it out through a rough patch seems like an unnecessary burden.
Grasping these lessons takes time and consistency.
It may take years or even decades for children to fully understand what a parent tried to get through to them. I would bet that everyone reading this has gone to their parents at least once and humbly admitted, “You were right,” about something they tried to teach you in the past.
I made many mistakes in my teens and early twenties, only to eat crow in front of my father. I regret not listening to him more.
Thankfully, my father’s example gave me a roadmap to course correct. When I graduated from college, got married, and became a father myself, I didn’t find myself thinking back to lectures or any particular piece of dad-wisdom he had given me.
Instead, I remembered how he handled those same challenges. Demeanor. Far from perfect, but he was patient, slow to anger, worked hard, and seldom complained. It left an impression.
As a youngster, I had none of these virtues. But my dad, though he surely worried about me, allowed me to make my own choices, confident that with time I would mature. I did.
Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.
- Proverbs 22:6
Some fathers may feel anxious and afraid that their advice and direction aren't sinking in with more stubborn children. Out of fear, they resort to nagging and harsh discipline, thus transforming into petty tyrants rather than leaders.
Every loving father is tempted to act like this at times. We want what's best for our children, after all. But subjecting them to constant lecturing and expecting them to become model citizens overnight is a fool's errand.
Fathers who want instant gratification will be sorely disappointed. Fatherhood is about playing the long game. And as is often the case, patience pays off in the end.
Tyler Curtis writes about economic policy, religion, and culture. His work has been featured in many outlets, including National Review, the Washington Examiner, and the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.