Adults Have A Horrible Power To Leave Wounds That Don’t Heal

Despite our bodies’ miraculous ability to heal, some wounds never will, no matter how much time passes.

It’s a nagging pain, one we cleverly distract ourselves from because we don’t know how to fully fix it. The helplessness turns to avoidance.

Family separation, for instance, is a conscious decision made by adults, even though the children bear the ultimate burden. Adults have all the power to dictate the dynamics of the family and are allowed to chase whichever whimsical desire they think will bring happiness. Kids are just bystanders.

The consequence of leaving your children behind is potentially a lifetime of suffering, marred by a deep and unhealable wound that no amount of prestige or success can mend.

After the death of the great American actor Gene Hackman, an old video began circulating on social media featuring Hackman on the television show Inside the Actors Studio, where he discussed his childhood.

In the video, we learn that Hackman’s parents divorced when he was about thirteen years old, and as he recalls this terrible event, Hackman could barely hold back the tears.

“I’ve read that it was a casual wave ‘goodbye’,” the host said.

“Yeah, I was down the street playing with some guys and he drove by and kind of waved…” Hackman recollected holding back his childhood grief.

“Were you close to your mother?”

“Yeah…” Hackman stated following a long pause, as all his childhood emotions began traveling to the forefront of his mind.

Hackman proceeded to look down with red eyes and sniffle, attempting to prevent himself from crying in front of an audience.

“It’s only been 65 years or so,” Hackman stated through laughter to change the mood of the moment, causing the audience to laugh along with him.

Despite his accolades and notoriety for his craft, deep down, this Academy Award-winning actor was still a lost boy who missed his father and wanted to know why he left.

It cuts deeply for a child when a family breaks apart and one parent chooses to vanish from the equation. It’s an adult decision, but the child only has child-like logic to contemplate why their entire world is fracturing.

Unfortunately, the conclusion that many children draw is that the cause of their parent’s decision to separate stems from their existence. Children begin to see themselves as the problem.

When this happens, they tend to act like I did as a child. The child believes they weren’t deserving of the abandoning parent’s love. It’s a toxic stew to grow up in.

Gene Hackman’s physical mannerisms as he traveled back in time during that interview reveal decades of childhood distress and almost panic upon being asked to reflect on his father’s nonchalant exit from the family.

I deeply relate.

Many of my earliest memories include feeling depressed about not knowing where my father was when I needed him the most. It’s not just the bad times when a child needs their father… it’s also the good times.

Every child wants to make their parents proud and celebrate every achievement with them, no matter how small of an accomplishment it is.

Recently, my son texted me about how he was going to build a new computer for himself instead of spending big on a factory model. Years ago, as a gift, we built his first desktop computer together and I showed him how to construct it properly. He wanted to show Dad that he was now using that gift on his own.

A couple of days later, my boy sent me pictures of his new computer that he’d put together by himself. As an IT pro, I was extremely proud of him for taking my lessons and having the confidence to follow through. Just the fact that he wanted to build one, the way I would, was really moving to me.

Now imagine a child who grows up to be a man—becoming a world-renowned actor with multiple awards demonstrating his exceptional talent—and not having a father to share that with or make proud. Mr. Hackman died when Gene was 18, leaving any chance for reconciliation off the table.

Every child wants to feel like they are enough.

They crave the pride of their parents.

When Hackman waved goodbye to his father, he also was saying goodbye to any chance of feeling whole as a man. This is the reality of “adult” decisions.

The choices made by the people with all the freedom in the world—grown ups—have lasting impacts on the children who are attached to them. For every selfish move parents make, void of the child’s best interest, the deeper the wound gets and the harder it is to heal.

They say that time heals all wounds, but Hackman’s remedy for a wound this deep could come only from the man who left it—his father.